01/03/2025
having a hard time with my confidence again. what's new, right?
i keep getting people asking if i'm hitting on so-and-so absolute random, so i'm thinking of wearing a disclaimer around my neck that says "i'm not flirting with you, i'm literally diagnosed autistic and i'm just trying not to be mean".
i guess it shouldn't upset me so much, but i'm also more or less asexual and it really upsets me that i have to be so clear that i haven't suddenly had a personality change and decided to steal everyone's boyfriend. i blame sexism, because it reeks of "god forbid a woman be nice with no ulterior motive" and i am already reminded every single day that people expect me to be better at being a woman.
i don't know. maybe that should bother me and i'm being too self deprecating. it's really hard to tell, i'm just used to feeling wrong all the time. i don't think that will ever change.
i've been thinking i should start actively looking for a new job, but i think about having to interact with people to do it and it makes me want to die. not in a suicidal way, i just want to lie down and not get up again. hmm. that sounds bad, doesn't it. oh well. it is what it is.
new year, same problems.
i don't want to end on this, though. i want to share something i listened to today that has made me consider... things. Titled Disruptions in Grace: Embracing Mutation and Disability in Nature through Art, the Floral Fasciation project snagged me, somehow. I wonder what that says about me.
02/03/2025
starting to pull my life together just a little. work insists. i formally only have work 2 days a week, but the way i need a day to prepare and another day to recover it feels like i work nearly full-time.
i'm trying the idea that even a half finished task is better than not starting at all, so i'm putting up a list of things that i have to do. the idea is that i set aside 10 minutes every hour to actually do something, and i do one thing from the list. i think i've put in a variety of tasks and some self-improvement options. updating this site is on the list, for example.
this might be a good change. stick around to find out, i guess.
05/03/2025
too hot to sleep.
i bought the cat a scratcher and he refuses to touch it. it's hard not to feel rejected.
images are hard. i added a screenshot of tiny pasture to the top of this page, since i started playing it yesterday. i have way too much fondness for idle games to be healthy. can i call myself an idle gamer girl?
been applying for apartments i can't afford. i'm not entirely sure why. maybe i like the feeling of rejection.
07/03/2025
i watched this technology connections video earlier this morning. i want to talk about it, but i worry i wouldn't have anything to add. so i'll ramble here. hey, it's my corner of the internet, right?
i am already inclined to agree with most if not all of alec's points. the thing that i have noticed most is probably the thing most people have noticed, the tendency toward radicalisation in social spaces. there will always be lack of nuance in discussions of things widely agreed to be understood in any given space, but the expectations of what is widely understood seem to have broadened beyond what is humanly possible. no human should be expected to behave authoritatively among peers, and yet, we do seem to have problems with humans being fallible. i share this fear, of course, i hate the idea of unintentionally hurting people through my actions. but i know that this will happen, and has a higher likelihood of happening repeatedly due to my having a disability of socialisation. sometimes this is my fault, and i could try harder to keep in mind other people having different ways of thinking and perceiving to me. and sometimes things will happen due to a variety of factors outside of my personal control. and widening my social net exponentially will increase the likelihood of the latter, and the pain of the former.
and there are people that prefer this?
at the same time, i do also fear the humanity of the net. i fear people. i do. people are unpredictable, messy and disgusting. they're big and panicky. and i am one of them. however, i cannot allow myself to live my life according to this fear. being exposed to humanity is good for me.
algorithms designed to attract and retain attention are useful tools. they can be good flashpoints. they can be effective mobilisers, as we see with influencer culture. but they are not a replacement for the infinite ways in which we dash ourselves against the rockface that is the world and learn from each hit.
11/03/2025
i went out the other day to a friend's birthday party in a local gay bar. i know, fucking ironic that i would avoid the local gay scene when it's probably my best bet for finding community i'd be comfortable in, but i'm antisocial. so.
not that antisocial, actually. i learned that i love my mate's bf as much as i love my mate. i can't believe i'm 31 and still learning things that i thought were a universal human experience are in fact just tricks of perception, with our experience still very much being a result of upbringing, personality, physical form, and circumstances.
i still don't know what i'm doing with my life, though, and that scares me a little bit every time i go out on the town ancd see the way people who don't know what they're doing with their lives act. i act like that too.
12/03/2025
why am i so tired all the time
14/03/2025
today in flaps-out insanity, i started a pro-ana scrapbook. okay, it's not pro-ana per se, but it is a little scrapbook of things to do instead of eating my brain numb. the idea is to prevent binges and especially to prevent the binge eat-drink to forget cycle, but when i was making the list of alternatives, i called it "alternatives to eating" instead of alternatives to stress-eating or whatever. i desperately don't want to have a year like 2023, but i can't have a year like 2017 either. i am extremely over my body deciding anything for me.
also, the toilet bowl in our house cracked yesterday and the plumbers say it's a special-order so we might not have a working toilet until tuesday. i'm thrilled.
25/03/2025
had to get a head and neck mri and my mental health tanked even worse than usual. i went from having a week that was more productive than usual to barely being able to get out of bed. no exaggeration, i've been spending days in bed in and out of sleep. i get up to eat, take my meds, and go to the toilet.
my last change broke the style sheet and i have no idea how i did it and how to change it back. probably has something to do with the obsession i had with having both gallery and flexbox work on a single page, and whatever amateur foolishness i did has broken it. so i'm deleting every single .css file and starting again, and hopefully that'll help me figure out where i went wrong.
okay. i figured out that i was writing the style sheet poorly. so i haven't completely lost all my progress, and i don't quite have to start over again from scratch.
28/03/2025
have become obsessed with playing oxygen not included again.
my anxiety has surged, to the point that i haven't been able to keep commitments like 'please email me back next week' and 'go see this gallery show by the end date'. so that's a bitch and a tenth. the drugs are barely helping, and i made the mistake of trying the nicotine hack. that worked in the sense that i was able to get out of bed and shower, but i still haven't been able to do much more than basic self care.
actually, i haven't even been able to do basic self care. i'm wearing the same clothes as i was at the start of the week, and i haven't brushed my hair in days. the only reason i brush my teeth is because my mouth itches when it gets dry and so i brush it. i don't know why but i'm really struggling. maybe it's the hell world we live in. maybe i should turn off the news. maybe i should kill myself. who knows what the solution is. probably not that, i have to clean my room first.