02/06/2025
i am trying this new thing, where i prompt my journalling with conversation cards, and draw two random affirmation cards from the thera-pets and body gratitude decks. the card deck is just some therapy set they inflict on wayward adolescents, designed to teach us how to process feelings or some shit like that. i hated it when i was a child, but since i'm out of practice writing and thinking, i may as well give it a shot.
today’s mood card: enlightenment.
i don’t believe in enlightenment. the important thing to me is not to have a higher knowledge, which is either indefinite or just undefinable. i think seeking awareness and practicing openness is what enlightenment wishes it was. but maybe i'm just a lower being.
affirmation mashup: i speak to my body from a place of love and respect. feeling worried doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen.
04/06/2025
website updates, replying to emails, and other hard things.
today's mood card is exhausted. sure, why not. let's go.
what do i feel is draining my energy? i blame my body, as it refuses to work with me on most things. but i also don't try too hard to keep it happy. the little shit's surprisingly functional, even resilient, despite both of us giving no quarter. expectations? the only expectations people have are for me to be an adult, with adult responsibilities. i can't even do that. can't keep a job, can't rent a house, too afraid of cars to drive.
the provocation is about what changes can i make so that i have more energy. i am making some; i can set myself a routine that means i don't rot in bed all day, which keeps my body in better condition and my brain active. is this not progress? i could also eat better. i have added lettuce and spinach to my diet.
i am working on moving. i apply for apartments every week, though i don't make enough money for a successful application. i feel that if i lived on my own, without a housemate i have to clean up after, i would have more energy for normal living. this could be very wrong, but i would like to try.
affirmations: i believe in myself wholeheartedly, i am managing the best i can.
yeah. okay. i can believe that. here we goooooooo
05/06/2025
fuck the mood cards. they're all negative or "tricky" emotions and it just made me grumpy flipping through the deck. there's a fuckin provocation for ya.
couldn't get a mashup out of the two affirmations. the messages feel conflicting. one is about being whole again and one is about being complete as you are.
have been playing havendock. i keep restarting it to try to get the perfect starting configuration. then i eat a sleeve of oreos about it and don't feel any better. i'm on my fourth sleeve.
maybe i should play a different game.
06/06/2025
currently playing 1000xresist and it's a pretty cool game. it feels more immersive-movie-walking-sim than straight up adventure game, but the story is so fucking worth it. i did have to put it down after failing the timed challenge toward the end but i'll pick it up again next week cause i wanna finish it.
according to the affirmations, my weirdness makes me wonderful and i am glad just to be on the journey. okay then.
07/06/2025
today sucks. can't stop eating. need to do some fucking thing else. affirmations tell me it's okay to just be, in all my forms. they can get fucked too. this desperate drive to eat isn't okay.
i brush my teeth, i apply lip balm, i weigh myself, then while feeling like shit i repeat the last two steps.
08/06/25
woke up with the wickedest tinnitus. my head is like a bell, every time i move it it rings. it's better now, when i first woke up it sounded like some kind of car alarm was going off in the distance. i've been drinking lots more water, and that seems to be making it go away.
today's affirmation mashup: i move my body to feel good, as thanks for existing.
in order to have a semi-consistent journal here, i've taken to keeping a physical one that fits in my pocket and jotting down my thoughts and cards of the day, then copying them into here on days i do take the time to type out an update.
the book itself probably looks really inconsistent, since i obviously haven't written a physical entry for the days i write my entry directly in here. oh well. what works works, right?
09/06/25
kind of a shitty day. felt fat. ankles hurt. and the cards said "i trust my body, whatever i manage to do will be enough". soooooo the cards can get fucked.
switched to a smaller keyboard, which isn't helping my mood because i keep mistyping everything.
have a new save of my little life, which i haven't played since i first bought it and opened a new town. there's been a few major updates since then. the one that i'm most thrilled with is the update to zones.
housemate's birthday in three days. i don't know what to get her.
10/06/25
still playing my little life. i gushed about it in yesterday's journal, but i decided since i'm updating the site anyway, i might as well put it in the appropriate place for casual reviews. who needs outside, i have all the whimsy i could want right here.
affirmation mashup: progress is progress, i experience everything life has to offer.
i've been mending my clothes, clumsily, because i would like to learn how to hand sew patches and make cool kintsukuroi-inspired patches on my clothes that are a little worn but still comfortable. so far i have re-hemmed a single pant leg and fixed the thumb hole in my favourite hoodie. go me.
11/06/25
have to go out for a work related thing tonight. my hair was taking forever to dry, so i cut it instead. i might look ridiculous, we'll find out when it finally dries.
i learned that my darning skill is incredibly low. i learned this the hard way by trying to freehand a patch on my pyjama pants. basically rolled a 4 when the threshold was a 5.
the daily mashup: i've been doing a great job, i am enough. yeah. anyways.
it is extremely cold. i do not want to get out of bed at all lately. but at least i remembered to put out the bins. a win's a win.
well, i'm off to actually read one of the books i borrowed from the library and then nap.
12/06/25
it's too fucking cold bruh.
i define beauty for myself, i am far more capable than i feel.
13/06/25
why am i getting so many "you can do it!" cards?
prehistoric planet pack dropped today, so you bet i'm not gonna be writing journals for the next couple of days. i've got a colony to keep alive.
16/06/25
look. listen. look. i've been drawing the cards, but i just don't have a lot to say. here, let me demonstrate:
today's mashup says that i like myself, and every day i'm leveling up. every day, huh? i've restarted the same dino asteroid dozens of times now.
i lost 1kg, so i might finally do my groceries.
17/06/25
i did it, i cracked and ordered a bunch of food instead of physically going to the shops. i feel so hungry, and i know it's anticipation. i haven't checked the shopping list so i'm hoping it's not all cakes
today i love myself and i am complete. well, considering i can do a front split again... yeah.
18/06/2025
i am worth taking care of, my body cannot be wrong
i don't know if this prompt idea is working. i guess one sentence is better than no sentences, but writing this makes my hand cramp. i'm definitely not updating the blog today. [editor's note: i was right]
19/06/2025
back on vitamin supplements. the cards seem a little more on topic, since i won't be defeated or let anything tell me how to be me. i feel defeated. i don't want to have to be taking vitamin supplements and i don't want to have to eat. whatever.
20/06/2025
nope.
let it go. no-one else knows what they're doing either.
nooooooooooooooooope.
21/06/2025
i am having the worst cravings today. it doesn't help that one of my colleagues has a kid with an eating disorder, so every time i do something certifiably mentally ill she has a higher-than-normal chance of knowing what it is.
first duplicate card today, hopefully the only one in the deck. but the mashup is nice. i am here, trying my best is all that matters. i'm also typing this entry, rather than writing it by hand. that surprises me, as i woke up not feeling today at all and went in to work anyway.
my period starts any day now. i'm sure that's not helping with the everything. i've resolved to drink more water and see if that prevents the headaches.
22/06/2025
i think world war three kicked off. the rallies feel so much heavier.
no cards. no point. feeling the dread is a full time activity today.
23/06/2025
i have a house inspection so i have time to sit down and update the journal, but first: fuck penny wong.
the fauxracle says 'i am letting go of things that do not serve me. i will survive this.' i think said fauxracle's positivity cloying. the messages are important in some sense, as doomerism and complacency do nothing to help rebuild this world for the people that need it. however, i feel like the mood today is doing what needs to be done despite how it feels. the mood today feels like doing things out of spite. i dunno.