28/01/2025
alright alright alright it's been a few days.
yes that's how i started last year's entry. given that i spent the last year being about as mentally ill as i spent 2023 i thought it fitting.
what have i been up to? few nasty binge/purge cycles, did a small role in a small play, cried the whole time, spent a bit of time in and out of working with antiwar activists, spent a lot more time sick.
i actually really wanted to talk about how the play made me feel. i did really well, i really enjoyed the process, but it was very confronting. part of it was working closely with people i knew and loved, which always changes the stakes of the relationships, and a very big part was coming to terms with a lot of things about myself i always kind of knew but have never confronted.
i have always had a rough relationship with my body and how it emotes, or how i use it to emote. those two are not always the same thing, as i have never been very good at understanding physical signals. a good example is my overall digestive system*, both the stomach itself and my absolute inability to distinguish between fullness and nausea, and also my bladder woes when i was younger but too old to comfortably admit. this extends to other things as well, such as having a high pain tolerance in my shitty joints and therefore not knowing until around 25 the signs that how i am moving is a bad way to move that will result in sprains and strains. it's been kind of a trip realising that i can just learn these things by focusing on how posture and proper form feels.
through this process i have had to learn to deal with being aware of my body. i didn't think that was a skill until i was back to perceiving this thing that doesn't just contain me, but is me in ways that i am not fully comfortable with. the clinical word for this, by the way, is dysphoria - a disconnect between how a person thinks their container should look and feel, and how it looks and feels in reality.
i don't know what this means for me, since i don't really know what connected feels like. i just know that when people remind me of what i actually am, even in compliments, it feels fucking bad. it feels bad in ways that i'm pretty sure it shouldn't, but i don't know how to change them. i mean, i guess i did change them. i took advantage of being a healthy weight to address my hell menstrual cycle, and it turns out the treatment for that is birth control. that feels shitty, because now my boobs hurt all the time, my face is rounder, and my muscle definition has become something i have to actively work on. but also my uterus no longer tries to kill me 1-2 times a month. i should be happy. and i guess i am. i just didnt think i'd also feel so fucking miserable at the same time.
so that's meeeeeee.
in my newfound commitment to caring about life, myself and stuff, i've decided to commit to being online, reachable on this very website, every day at 5-7pm unless otherwise committed. i think i'm going to figure out how to post a schedule on the sidebar. which requires figuring out calendars in html/css. i'm actually kind of excited for that. i don't think anyone follows this site regularly, since it doesn't have a personality yet, but i really want to try and i think that will keep me accountable.
if nothing else, it gives me something to do, right?
*gosh i wonder how my eating disorder could have seeded itself. anyway.